I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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