I wish I could punch you in the face.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
