How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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