Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
