Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
