im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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