i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
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