I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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