let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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