I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
