i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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