I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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