ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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