when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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