i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you have to choose: penises or morals?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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