census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
