My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
