hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Randomize