who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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