some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
