dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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