I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
