Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
