In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
