i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
