Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
