I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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