roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
did i walk over a car last night?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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