I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
