I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
