im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
