wat bout pragnant strippers??
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You may now shotgun with the bride
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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