Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize