My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
