Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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