By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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