Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize