woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
