have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
