its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
