I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
