My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
