Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
