just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
