Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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