I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
