why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
