I'm lost and stupid without you.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
third nipple confirmed
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
