My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
