We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
