2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
