I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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