i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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