I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
