So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
