Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
