my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
