Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
